"Paradise Motel" (1985)

Back in the day, the drive-in stayed open from March all the way to November.

They had heaters for your car, so the only thing that closed down the screens was snow.

During the tail end of the drive-in season, the double-features got pretty random. Like Martin Scorsese's AFTER HOURS playing with NATIONAL LAMPOONS EUROPEAN VACATION, or REVENGE OF THE NERDS with COMMANDO, or the Patsy Cline bio pic SWEET DREAMS with GHOSTBUSTERS. It's pretty clear they were just slapping together whatever random film prints were still kicking around the projection booth from the summer.

One such double-feature to catch my eye is Chuck Norris's INVASION USA, with a movie I've never heard of called PARADISE MOTEL. Lo and behold, a thoughtful soul named DANIEL FITZGERALD uploaded a VHS sourced copy of the movie to YouTube, so finally I was able to give it a look.

The movie stars Bobby Brigg's best friend Mike from TWIN PEAKS. Since I know him best for playing Donna's abusive ex-boyfriend and the asshole Khroner representative from SIX FEET UNDER, it's strange seeing him play a shy, awkward, young nerd. In fact, I don't buy it. This kid has some major rage hidden under his demure demeanour. I just know it. 

So he lives in this Hawaian themed hotel with his practically elderly parents. They must have had him when they were in their late 40's, which really isn't a good idea. Supposedly, at 40 the woman's chance of having a child with down's syndrome is 1 in 100, but by age 45 the chance shoot up to 1 in 30.

The movie begins on Mike's first day at a new school.

Why is he starting a new high school in the middle of the year? What, did he threaten to shoot up the old one?

He immediately finds a new girl to stare at from a distance, and follow around. He finds her missing ID card, but instead of giving it back and saying, "Hi, my name's Mike," like a normal person, he decides to keep it, kind of the same way serial killers like to hold onto souvenirs from their victims.

Back at the hotel, Mike can't get any sleep, because his sadistic father has made the room over his bed into the honeymoon suite, so night after night it's full of couples fucking loudly. God, that's gotta torture an incel like him to madness. This kid is going to blow.

Now back at the school, the grumpy gym coach has a little shack where he likes to go to catch naps. However, the cool kids also use this as a place to bang their girl friends.

Having been evicted from their fuck-hut, the cool kids realize if they befriend Mike, they can use the hotel for their sexcapades. So they're paying for his videogames and offering him free burgers like he's some hot chick they're trying to woo.

Mike comes through in spades, letting his new friends use the honeymoon suite practically every night. Hanging out with them does wonders for his confidence, and soon, one of their hot girls wants to go on a date with him.

However, it turns out this is all part of a prank. The address Mike is given is not the house of the hot girl, but the grumpy high school coach.

For reasons I don't quite understand, Mike doesn't knock on the door, or even honk the car horn to let the girl know he's here. Instead, he jimmies open the window and climbs into the house like a burglar. He does this so smoothly, you kind of get the impression he's done it before. 

Now that he's in the house, he hears the shower running, so he immediately strips down and prepares to jump in with her. Look, I realize she's a loose girl, and she's already flashed him her tits at the pool, but holy cow slow it down a little bit tiger. I can't believe he even has the confidence to make such a bold move.

Of course, it's not the hot chick in the shower, but the coach's pretty-hot-too wife. Now he can never, ever go to gym class.

After the prank has been revealed, it turns out the hot chick still wants to sleep with him. They go back to the motel, and suddenly it cuts to the next day. How could they skip over the big sex scene with their lead character? Shouldn't this be a huge moment in the film? I would have assumed the guy's never been with a girl before, but the movie treats this moment so blase, like he's already up to his neck in pussy. 

Near the very end of the movie, to symbolize he's over her, Mike finally gets around to giving his dream girl her ID card back. She's probably thinking, wow, I just escaped with my life. I had no idea this guy was so disturbed. It reminds me of the story about Debbie Harry getting picked up in a car by Ted Bundy, but because she had the wherewithal to notice he'd stripped the door handles off the inside of the passenger side, she knew something was up and managed to jump out of the car before he could clobber her.

The other interesting thing about PARADISE MOTEL is the actor who plays Mike's father. He's an actor named Bob Basso, who made a name for himself amongst supporters of the tea party in 2009, when he released a video of himself as Thomas Paine speaking an open letter to president Obama. 

This video was so popular, it resulted in an urban legend that Obama was so angered by Bob Basso, he summoned the actor to the White House, supposedly never to be seen again.

"Paradise Motel" plays at the Can-View Drive-In with "Invasion U.S.A" in late October 1985